Swallowing my pride

I have had challenging jobs.

Teaching. Whoa. That was tough. Thirty to forty kids in a classroom with raging horomones and no desire to learn anything about history. The state and school district psychotically obsessed with testing and “standards” that left little room for fun. Plus there was the realization that I  even though I loved working with adolescents, feel totally comfortable in front of a room of people, and adore history I was a lame teacher.

Mentoring. Double whoa. Working one on one with 20 to 30 adolescents in the process of leadership development was intense and important work. At the same time it was suprisingly routine and without a broader vision of social change I felt stifled.

Now I am coordinator of Reviravolta. Not being fluent in Português, having never worked with homeless or recycling, and managing a staff with different cultural norms and professional philosophies is…challenging. Yet I would say the most challenging part is redefining pride, success, and accomplishment. Learning how to ask questions without embarrassment, make mistakes without shame, and be fundamentally confident in moments of great insecurity is the real challenge. Teaching and mentoring taught me so much. I think this job will change me so much.

Why? Well….maybe a quick recap of Monday will help in understanding.

Monday, January 23rd, was my first official day. I got to work earlyish, around 7:30, to review excel sheets and get settled in. I had hardly arrived and said good morning to everyone before 2 participants started fighting. Without hesitation I called them to the office, listened to each side and by asking each one what they needed to be at peace with the other and I “resolved” the situation. I was feeling good about that mediation but it was after 8am and the days official start so there was little time to gloat. From that point on there were people in and out of the office and the reality of us being tots broke hit me. I spent the rest of that day (and all days since) figuring out who can I pay, how can I say no (participants ask me for money all the time), how to learn the current system of accountability with 4 excel sheets and 2 accounting reports with 10 documents each (for the mayors office and “headquarters” – Gaspar Garcia). At 10am I called headquarters to get a R$500 loan to pay the water bill the next day, which we didn’t have sufficient funds for. In the midst of that an older gentlemen who has been missing for 2 days told me he got kicked out of his shelter for having 3 unexcused absences (not kidding) and had been living on the street. Met with “friendly G” (asst. coordinator) who is very beloved at work but seems a tad disgruntled about various things – my accent included. Anyway, she told me there was a rumor that one of the guys I talked to that morning (and felt falsely good about my intervention) may have brought a knife to work to stab the other guy! I called “headquarters” (again) to figure out how to proceed. I wasn’t nervous but it felt like a violation of everything we are trying to create (safe and welcoming environment). ugh! Meanwhile I kept all this from my social worker, “the hammer”, who has a very different professional philosophy and seems to have some doubts about my capabilities.  In the midst of that we got news that one of our ex participants was drugged out one the median (“praça”) a few blocks away. He holds a special place in the heart of my staff so I supported their decision to go see how he was doing. That took almost until noon. Upon my return I find out that “knife bringer” got kicked out his shelter and needed to try to find him a place to stay so he didn’t end up on the street. The punches just kept coming after lunch! Our truck didn’t pass inspection and the mechanic could only see the truck on Thurs – but I only have until the 31st to get the car to pass inspection (for 2011). Who knows how I will pay for any maintenance on the truck. Before I could figure out how to handle that I had to go to the bank to pay a parking ticket and make a deposit. The bank I went to only worked for paying the ticket so I accomplished 1 out of 2 tasks in the span of an HOUR. I went back to office and sent someone else to make the deposit. I got back just in time to see what happens when it rains….the whole building leaks! Including our newly reformed office for the arts workshops – it becomes a lake. Then someone from the military police called asking for recycling pick-up and quickly noticed my accent. He asked if I was Chilean (no) and when I arrived in Brasil (Dec 2010) and then said to me “you still talk like that?” (I am really tempted not to pick up their recycling!) I wrapped up the day by making several calls to try to get a space in a shelter for some of our participants staying on the street. I headed home at 5:30pm.

Everyday is different but pretty much follows the same rhythm. I hate answering the phone, I hate making mistakes, I hate not knowing how to do things, and I really really hate not being able to express myself.

I have a wonderful resource in my bosses (C & R) who are really guiding me through this transition. C gave me a pep talk yesterday – “Melissa, you have to be confident, not be ashamed of mistakes, and believe in yourself or others won’t!”. My parents are incredible and cheering me on every step of the way. And my honey bunny (pepe) is a vital source of the love and strength I need to balance feeling so incompetent all day long. Yesterday he said something to me that I want to post on my wall at work (but won’t). “When we realize that the cause, the people we work FOR (in my case – homeless), are more important then our individual ego we realize that we have to swallow our pride (engolir sapo) to do whatever it takes to get things done”. What I hate, what makes me uncomfortable, insecure, and pushes all my buttons…isn’t about me. My challenge is to move beyond “me” and put it all out there for each and everyone of the people in my program.

Bye bye pride (which was probably false and lame anyway). Hello open hearted embrace of mistakes and errors! (and a firm belief in faking it until I make it)