For the musically inclined

(of which I am not). If you ask me my favorite band or song I hesitate – and not because I am contemplating a wide range of options. Rather, I am at a loss. Music is great. I am listening to my New Orleans station on Pandora as I type this. But. but. I often run without my ipod (gasp!). The ONLY reason I miss my car is because that is when I got to listen to NPR. I’ve been to ONE arena concert in the past 2 years and that was Bruce Springsteen – the only song I knew was Glory Days (but it was still a fabulous concert). I just don’t “think” in terms of music. I don’t decompress, relax, or emote to/with music. Why I bought a 1950’s record player is beyond me!

However, I am deeply moved by liturgical music. It started in DC (as many good things do). The gospel choir of St. Augustine’sgave me an entirely new appreciation for what music can mean at mass. For the first time I really understand how it could and is a form of prayer. I would often get goose bumps and be overwhelmed by emotion – moved by the spirit, so to speak. Up until yesterday I hadn’t quite found anything to replicate the experience. I had yet to learn about what a unique and privileged experience I had to partake in Catholic gospel music.

Sunday, April 26th was the Archdiocese of Boston’s Black Catholic Choir’s 16th Annual Spring Concert. The church I attend is designated a black church – like St. Augustine’s in DC. But it is very very different. At St. Mary’s the pastor is not black. The majority of the parishioners are no longer African-American (increasingly the community is Latino). And the choir is most definitely not a gospel choir. But the city of Boston is very different than the District of Columbia. So the Black Catholic Choir operates differently. There are a variety of members, of all races, from parishes all over the archdiocese – and one of their members is a parishioner at St. Mary’s. Because of her presence in our choir at St. Mary’s I had known about the concert for a good long while. Despite a little bit of exhaustion from my cousin’s wedding the day before I was determined to go. I also really wanted to attend St. Katharine Drexel – the church sits right on Blue Hill Avenue (a hot spot of historical importance in the city of Boston).

After a power nap I walked over, sat back, and truly enjoyed the power of worship through song. They were amazing. (here is an example of what they can do- they are even more impressive live) I keep thinking about “I Don’t Feel No Ways Tired”. Amen. I am going to do my best to attend the Saint Charles Lwanga Mass and Prayer Service on June 14th. I’m committed to daily prayer and I gotta tell you – attending the concert was a boost of “prayer adrenaline”. I may not have a favorite song or band, but I’ve got another way to worship the Lord. I’ll take it~

Prayer for Discernment

I want to move back to Brasil. AND. I want to make real connections in Boston and make a life for myself here. I’m not quite sure why I want to be somewhere else so much and yet really desire to make something more out of what is here.

I LOVE St. Mary of the Angel’s (the faith, the families, the fun), I feel very connected to my parish. AND. I can’t bring myself to spend time with the young adults that I go to church with. I can’t figure out how I can love my church and only feel connected to those 50 plus.

Especially given that I’ve never felt quite so alone. AND. I’ve never been so grateful for my life. How can I be such a joyful loner?

All I can say is in the face of the many contradictions I am experiencing all I can do is pray. Here is the prayer that warms my heart and keeps me grounded:

“O Lord, I do not know what to ask you. You alone know my real needs, and You love me more than I even know how to love. Enable me to discern my true needs which are hidden from me. I ask for neither a cross nor a consolation but simply wait in patience for you. My heart is open to You. For Your great mercy’s sake, come to me and help me. Put Your mark on me and heal me, cast me down and raise me up. I silently adore Your holy will and Your inscrutable ways. I offer myself in sacrifice to You and put all my trust in You. I desire only to do Your will. Teach me how to pray.”  

I’ll keep you updated when I’ve discerned if it is either THIS or THAT or perhaps…..just perhaps….a little bit of BOTH….

Filling in the gaps…

I’m Catholic – a practicing one at – and a (relatively) devout one. And yet my “understanding/knowledge” of all things, phrases, actions “Catholic” is spotty, at best. I clearly realized that in preparation for Easter.

I had never used the phrase Triduum. (seriously)

I had never seen liturgical dance. (have you?)

I have only gone to Easter Vigil three times in my life – and always dozed off. (come on – it is long!)

I had never known anyone that coordinated their outfits according to liturgical colors. (really?)

I participated in Holy Week at SMoA’s because I had been told, in no uncertain terms, that it is the very best time of year at my parish. And that is the truth! Being at St Mary of the Angel’s for Holy Week 2009 was an incredible eye opener – and exposed me to all of the above. Aside for the specific details and facts I now understand better I’ve come to realize that the more time I spend at church the more I learn and understand. And…the more that happens the more I realize how blessed I am to have faith. 

I woke up Easter morning on fire. I had spent the previous three evenings in preparation for the Lord. The humility of Holy Thursday, the deep reverence and reflection of Good Friday, the welcome and celebration of Easter Vigil – they all act as a guide to how to live my life and keep my focus on why. All that I had hoped for (discipline, prayer, charity) – yet fell short of accomplishing – during Lent is still attainable.

The more I learn about my faith the more connected and engaged I feel to what I practice. I love believing!

p.s. He is risen!!!

Expectations

Expectations are killer~ (like expecting MSU to give UNC a run for their money and being sorely sorely disappointed)

I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations lately. Ever since I ended my last therapy session and my therapist asked what my expectations were in regard to a relationship I want to cultivate. My expectations? Good question. Just that I’ll be perfect and the relationship will fulfill my every want and desire. Oh. hmmmm….pretty tall order to fill. The enormity and extremism of my expectations seem doomed to end up in disappointment. As I kept thinking I realized that expectations almost always crash and burn. (i.e. MSU)

 There is no better of example of that then Lent. It wasn’t too long ago that I was RAVING on this very blog about the promise, potential, and pleasure of Lent. No lie – that was me. What did I expect of Lent? That I would create a phenomenal practice of prayer, filled with daily rosary’s and lots of convo’s with Christ. That I would save ooddles of money by never going out. That I would be a big baller in the charity scene (with all that saved money). That I would lose weight from all my sparse living. That I would love, live, grow, and kick some religious booty.

Ummm….those things didn’t happen. Actually, I saved NO money (less than prior to Lent). I probably ate out 7 times (despite giving that up for Lent). I actually went 3 or 4 days without praying. I didn’t lose ANY weight. So total abject unadulterated disappointment, verging on failure.

Here is the thing about expectations (especially the “invisible” ones – the ones we carry, nurture, and allow to set the standard, yet we don’t even know are there!)…..they usually do lead to disappointment. Even worse then that, they take away from legitimate accomplishments and can hinder the process of learning.

Lent wasn’t everything I wanted it to be. I didn’t sacrifice enough. I definitely won’t win any awards for consistency or follow-through. But….and this is a big but….I did love, live, and grow. I experimented with all types of prayer – Stations of the Cross, Novena of Divine Mercy, reading the bible, etc. I was able to donate over $300 to various organizations. I was much more conscious of reconcilliation - and went to confession three times. Most significantly I grew in my gratitude for and focus on God.

Every day there is at least 1 moment when I am struck by all the ways I have been blessed. At the end of the day I often reflect on what I am thankful for as I fall asleep. In moments of despair and panic I am much more inclined to keep it in perspective. When I got a letter from my former landlords lawyer threatening to sue me my first thoughts were a prayer.

I’m not going to now go forward in life without any expectations. But I’ll do my best to be aware of them and balance it with what I have accomplished – the things I never began to consider having expectations about!

THIRTY

In just under 5 weeks I will be thirty.

 

thirty. That is a three and a zero. It’s….um….thirty. The big three-oh.

 

Whoa.

 

Once I am 30 I will no longer be in my twenties. Hey! That may seem self-explanatory but it is still something of a shock to contemplate.

 

When I run on the treadmill and have to put in my age it will be a three and a zero. Thirty is a THREE and a ZERO. Oppss…I already mentioned that.

 

Let’s face it, nobody wants to be thirty. When women suffer about how old they are and jokingly give an age they say twenty-nine, definitely not thirty. Why? Thirty is old. OLD!

 

Now I get why people do that. A part of me is suffering!!! No man, no family, no house, no certainty, no Nobel Prize and I’m THIRTY???? That feels terribly wrong. Thirty is clearly the age by which all of the above mentioned things should have occurred (well…except maybe the Nobel Prize).

 

But I gotta tell you – part of me is celebrating. I weigh less than I did when I was 20 (even though I’ve gained 7 pounds since becoming a carnivore). More importantly, I can run farther and jump rope for longer – meaning I am in better shape. My skin looks better. My hair cut is more stylish. I have enough confidence to let my hair go grey – I was way too insecure ten years ago (and yes, I was grey then). I speak more Portugues now than I ever have in my life – seriously. When I was 20 I didn’t talk to my biological father, my best friend Danielle, and I didn’t go to church regularly – and when I did I didn’t understand what I was doing. As I hit the big 3-0 I talk to both of them and not only love being a practicing Catholic but actually know what that means! I’ve lived more places, explored my possibilities, and taken more risks.

 

Does it sound like a lame cliché when I say I really think at 3-0 that I look better, treat people with more respect, express more emotions, have an exciting growing self-awareness (therapy is great!), and the increasing confidence to go anywhere and do anything? If it does, oh well- because it doesn’t feel cliché.

 

So hey – I’m thirty (almost), working on being just a little flirty, and fabulous. I would like to meet my man and have his babies (teehee) but wanting that doesn’t take away from all that I have done and continue to do – with and for God. Being 30 does feel like it takes a little more trust in God and in whatever His plan is, but hey – that’s not a bad thing.

 

When I was 20 I couldn’t even begin to imagine that this is what my life would be like at 30. I thank God for that – His plan is so much greater than my own~

 

A rip roarin’ rockin’ Monday~

March 30th was a good day. And it was a Monday. And the start to what I imagine will be a long week. Imagine that!!!Side note…..most of my life I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Sunday. Sunday is a day of leisure, freedom, relaxation (and for those of faith…worship) BUT it is also the beginning of the end. In what feels like just a few blinks of an eye the alarm is going off for a Monday morning routine, the start of yet another week. I don’t hate my job (I’ll even join the chorus that screams “just grateful to have one”), I get along with my coworkers, I am a morning person – and yet I still don’t like Mondays. Making it all the more notable that I was excited for March 30th.

Why?

There are a few reasons, but most significant was the prayers of the faithful during mass on Sunday (I spent the weekend in NYC and went to St. Agnes). Our lector read all the prayers and ended with, “for your special intention for the week, which you carry in your heart, let us pray.” I had never heard that before and I was struck. Struck by the notion that I could enter the week with very specific intentions (and I don’t mean a to-do list), pray for those intentions, and trust in God to guide me. The simplicity of the invitation to be intentional caused my renewed interest in starting the week, and hence my excitement over Monday.

So, what are my intentions?

Well, I’ve got three. #1) I am praying for a fervent renewal of my Lenten promises. I committed to giving up the convenience of eating out AND taking on 20 minutes of daily prayer. I’ve faltered a few times. More significantly I’ve lost the burning passion and desire to do so. I started Lent ready to stand by the Lord’s side as he braved 40 days of temptation and sacrifice in the desert. Now I’m looking for the next oasis and justifying all my pit stops. My intention for the week is to pray that the Holy Spirit fill me with the grace of renewal and conviction.

#2) I am praying for the strength to get back on the S diet. I really like the S diet – no seconds, no snacks, and no sweets (except for on Saturday or Sunday) but I am not following it. I eat sweets everyday; actually I eat mostly whatever I want whenever I want. I can’t lie; I do want to lose about 10 to 15 pounds. But more important than my vanity is the issue of my lack discipline in eating, which is reflective of the lack of discipline I am experiencing in my spiritual life. My unwillingness to resist the temptation of eating what and when I want is mirrored in my lapses when I eat out or don’t pray. Isn’t it interesting how discipline and sacrifice are characteristics that translate to multiple domains of life?!? Every day I tell myself “eat in moderation and with restraint, pray, etc, etc”….and it often doesn’t happen. So what is going to be different today, tomorrow, or any day for that matter? My intention! My intention for this week is to follow the S diet, AND to pray for strength whenever I feel myself faltering, to go to God and ask him for the strength to be disciplined – no matter how small or large the task.

#3) I am praying to smile more and swear less. I am (believe it or not) a very happy person. I have the support and approval of some of the most important people at my church for the book I want to write. My beloved parents live about 4 hours away and I see them every month. I have an awesome therapist and am learning SO much about myself. I have a job (as mentioned above). I spoke to both of my grandmothers this weekend. I have faith. I have fantastic friends. I’m healthy. AND…. (drum roll please)….Michigan State is in the final four. WOOOOOHOOOO. Sure, I’m also intense, opinionated, and a little confrontational – BUT none of that takes away from me being a happy person. However, people often think I am a pretty angry bitter person because I swear a lot. I have always sworn, literally. I remember dropping an f bomb in third grade. Besides 1 Lent, four years ago, I have never felt compelled to swear less. That is, until last week when I happened to be swearing a lot and three people commented on how angry I seemed. I wasn’t angry at all. So! My intention for this week is to be a more authentic reflection of God’s grace and love – as I’ve been so incredibly blessed in so many ways (and I think that probably means less swearing and more smiling).

The sin of envy

I have “a feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another’s advantages, success, possessions, etc.” (as defined by dictionary.com). Which means I am feeling envious. Yuck!

I have often struggled with comparing myself to others: weight, college degrees, language abilities, charitable works, etc. Recently I have been in a pretty good place mentally/emotionally/psychologically about that. And then facebook struck.

Ugh. Facebook. It allows us, perhaps short sightedly, to see all the happenings of various lives – lives of people that aren’t even my friends – and track them in all their pictorial and journaled glory.  

Here is the worst part – I am feeling envious of things/lives that I KNOW I don’t want. Doesn’t matter. Still feeling envy. So here is what happened….

A person I knew in high school “friended” me. I was actually friends withher in high school, albeit briefly. We definitely have no ill will, so while also having no close ties I accepted the request. That led to seeing a posting of her photos. She looks  different from high school. At first I was simply impressed with how incredibly well dressed and put together she appears to be. The more I looked at her photos (which hopefully doesn’t make me a weirdo) the more envious I felt. Her make-up is fabulous. Her hair is amazingly straight. Her outfits are very stylish. She lives in Chicago. She vacations in Cancun, gets really tan, and wears cute sun dresses.

Let’s think about this…..If I wear eye make-up it forms big rings under my eyes by the end of the day and usually smears clear across to my temples. My hair is constantly changing and my latest haircut has been a challenge for me to style at home without the shortest pieces resembling a porcupine. I invest little money in clothes and so have nothing in my closet that is current or all that stylish. I really really want to lose 10 pounds but am not limiting my food intake nearly enough to make it happen. I get bored and sweaty in the sun and don’t have the patience to tan.

So I feel pretty slobby, unimpressive, and pudgy in comparison. And I don’t understand why!!! That is the worst part. I don’t wish I had been in a sorority in college. On the other hand, everyday I do wish I had a flat iron but refuse to buy one – because I remind myself that I won’t be using it as I volunteer and backpack across Brasil! I love fancy clothes and shoes but don’t buy them because they are often made in China (or other sweat shops in countries with governments that support genocide in Darfur) and I want to spend my money other ways (like the cast iron pan I just bought).  I may need to lose 10 or 15 pounds but I work out regularly and eat well enough – any weight I need to lose is for vanity not for health.  So I envy her but I don’t actually want to be her. So strange…..

Maybe it can explained in part by the fact that envy is a sin. Sin is not something that many people in the 21st century seem comfortable talking about but I definitely believe thoughts and actions can be and are sinful. As I feel envy in regards to the glossy images of this girl and her life I am made painfully aware that it is a sin. Why is it sinful? Well, the 10th commandment is not to covet anything that is my neighbors. And in coveting the images and life of a girl that I don’t know or want to be like I am not being charitable or rejoicing in her progress – and by extension Gods.

The Catechism of the Catholic church states: “2538 The tenth commandment requires that envy be banished from the human heart. When the prophet Nathan wanted to spur King David to repentance, he told him the story about the poor man who had only one ewe lamb that he treated like his own daughter and the rich man who, despite the great number of his flocks, envied the poor man and ended by stealing his lamb.[322] St. Augustine saw envy as “the diabolical sin.”[326] “From envy are born hatred, detraction, calumny, joy caused by the misfortune of a neighbor, and displeasure caused by his prosperity.”[327] 2540 Envy represents a form of sadness and therefore a refusal of charity; the baptized person should struggle against it by exercising good will. Envy often comes from pride; the baptized person should train himself to live in humility: Would you like to see God glorified by you? Then rejoice in your brother’s progress and you will immediately give glory to God. Because his servant could conquer envy by rejoicing in the merits of others, God will be praised.[328]” (emphasis is my own)

So where does that leave me? With a beautiful reminder to move away from sadness about my own life (which I don’t even think I feel sad about) and to give glory to God by acknowledging her progress with excitement. How do I do that? Lots and lots of good old fashioned prayer! Let me know if you have any suggestions~

Stuck

Last week sucked. I didn’t blog. I didn’t do research for my book. I waited until the last minute to do the research I need/want/have to do for a grant me and the farm family are writing. (long story short – me and friends want to start a farm/hostel and found a grant to apply for). I gossiped in a very ugly and malicious way (is there any other kind?) about people at work. I broke my Lenten vow and went out to eat and deliberately didn’t pray two days in a row.  I felt envy for those that have friends and loved one nearby. I was sad, lonely, and disconnected. Most of all, I felt tremendously stuck.

So I went to confession on Saturday. Ahhhh…that peculiar Catholic sacrament/tradition/habit so prone to misunderstanding and ridicule. Confession is my opportunity, after having already brought my sins to God, to then hold myself accountable to his representatives on Earth. Now, I know that there is lots of confusion and disagreement over the biblical underpinnings of the sacrament of penance (aka confession) but since I am no theologian let’s not get into that and move on. Please simply accept that I get something incredibly profound and spiritual out of the experience.

So I went to confession on Saturday (see above if you are railing against Catholics and confession). It was at the St. Francis Chapel in the Prudential Center. Nothing quite like being focused on having a meaningful and God-centered existence while walking through a crowded galleria of cosumeristic materialism. I haven’t been to a mall in a very very long time. I used to love them when I was going to high school in Northville, Mi….mostly because that was the only place to go and hang out. Now I hate them. And Saturday wasn’t much of an exception. However, I was focused on my sinful nature and truly grateful to have a place to go for confession (there are some places with such a shortage of priests that they have to wait weeks or months – eck!). Despite the context of the mall it truly is a sanctuary (as in refuge….)

I entered the chapel, prayed a quick review of my sins, and entered the confessional. It was such a lovely experience. I shared the impurity of my heart and action, my frustration and shame at turning my back to God, my laziness. The priests response? Jesus takes my sins, throws them behind them, burns them up, forgives me fully, and calls me with love back to his side. Sigh – how beautiful! My penance? Imagine all the people that I have ever gossiped about (followed by my sharp inhalation of breath and nervous chuckle) on a beach, basking in the rays of Gods love. And a beautiful and sincere Hail Mary. Additionally I should remind myself that I have a new start with my Lenten vows and should take this time to develop prayer and compassion of spirit as a virtue. AWESOME!

And therein lies the beauty of confession. As described in my pamphlet put out by Our Sunday Visitor: “in the sacrament of penance, we meet Christ in the person of the priest, ready and eager to absolve us and restore us to new life. We confess our sins to God through His minister, the priest, who absolves us in the name of Christ……(it) is a sacrament of healing and a sacrament of conversion, returning us to the Father after our sin.”

Don’t worry – just because I’ve been absolved doesn’t mean I can go right back to my sinful ways. A key component to making “a good confession” is the firm resolution to avoid sin in the future. And trust me – I’m not looking to add anyone to that beach! The image of it’s crowded shores is keeping me on my best behavior.

Most importantly going to confession has helped me feel unstuck. I’m still the same old me – but with just enough new perspective and inspiration to approach life with renewed gratitude and action.

Not Newt!?!!

So rumor has it that Newt Gingrich is converting to Catholicism. This has been floating around for about a year but it reared it’s ugly head once again after a comment in a profile featured in the NY Times magazine.  It sounds like his third wife, who was his mistress during his second marriage, is Catholic and the reason for his conversion. Ummm…okay.

Another Catholic……that’s great…..right??? I guess. I just don’t like Newt Gingrich. I don’t know him personally but just about everything I have ever heard him say or do….I don’t like. Which is okay – I’m not Catholic because I have to like everyone.

It has got me thinking though, about how universal my Roman “Catholic” church is and what it means to belong.

Conservative Catholics (pro-life, anti-homosexual, no contraceptives, no stem cell research, no divorce, probably okay on death penalty, bitter about Vatican II) seem to be excited. I’ll admit, I don’t actually know many conservative Catholics but a very brief perusal of blogs seemed to indicate as much. On the other hand you have me, a liberal Catholic (pro-life but not praying outside of Planned Parenthood, loyal to my beloved gay friends/family, with a grandmother with Parkinson’s, absolutely anti-death penalty, blessed by Vatican II), and I am not excited. 

Sigh. Here is the thing – I am on the wrong side. Of what? The wrong side of straight up dogma and tradition.  I worry that I am not one of the “creative minority” that the pope was referring to.

Pope Benedict XVI’s  “creative minority” is  the notion of “a Catholic core reduced in size but passionate about its identity, while striving to open a few small cracks in the culture of laïcité so this renewed Catholic presence can find some breathing room” (National Catholic Reporter). I guess this was said in response to the current European reality of secularism and particularly France. It was repeated during Obama’s election, one conservative commentator boldly stating that a creative minority was preferable to a Church that included those that had voted for Obama.

Double sigh.

I love being Catholic and have no intention of leaving the church. And hey – I am passionate about my identity as a Catholic! Things like Newt’s conversion (and books like The Faithful Departed) simply remind me of what a pickle I am in and how much I really really need to pray. Good thing I am doing lots of this Lent.

p.s. I’m also praying that Newt turns out to be a convert like Dorothy! (Day)

Help!

I need advice. Seriously.

For the first time in my life I am absolutely committed to my parish, head over heels in love with my church, totally obsessed with participating in everything and anything to do with my congregation. A little weird, right?

Here is the thing – being at St. Mary of the Angels, or doing something related to it – is all I want to do. I don’t know what is “healthy” versus where I may be going a wee bit overboard. Here are some examples….

I wanted to visit my friends in DC the last weekend of March. However, I found out today that would mean I couldn’t go to confirmation class. No big deal! When I lived in California I hated teaching the confirmation class at St. Norbert’s so much that I quit after 3 classes. Ummm…but now I am apart of the planning group for youth activities (a very recent development) it feels really important to attend the class (taught by someone else) and meet the youth of SMofA. An even greater source of conflict for me is the cost of flying to DC. The Grand Annual Collectionstarted today and SMofA needs/wants to raise 20,000. With the economic crisis affecting so many it feels vital that I donate as much as possible. I am considering somewhere between 500-1000. In order to do that I cannot fly to DC.

I have always wanted to go to an Indian wedding and I got an invite for one! Ummm…but it is April 10th. The day before Easter. On Holy Saturday. When she was choosing the date she actually asked me if I would be able to attend – I said, “Sure – I can go to mass in TN”. That was Pre-SMofA. Post-SMofA is quite a different story. Many have told me that  Holy Week at SMofA is beautiful and profound. So I signed up to be a part of the planning committee for Holy Thursday and Good Friday evening. I replied with my regrets – SMofA wins hands down.

There is a Young Adults Lenten retreat April 3-5 (sponsored through St. Clement Eucharistic Shrine - the relatively conservative predecessor to SMofA). It truly sounds like an amazing opportunity. I would like to go. In theory. But if I did….I would miss volunteering with the confirmation class at Haley Houseand I would miss palm Sunday at SMofA. I hate missing mass at SMofA. And the cost of the retreat would be taking away from SMofA.

I took the last weekend of May off to go to Croatia with my two best friends – in order to celebrate turning 30! (That’s right, I am turning 30). I am having second thoughts. Instead I want to stay here and conduct research and maybe do some oral interviews for the book I want to write (which will be about SMofA). I also don’t want to spend 1500 on myself – I want to spend it at/on/with SMofA.

Sigh.

I guess it isn’t really a dilemma – it is just such a new and different part of my life. When I started my job I had one coworker who participated in organized religion (of the Protestant variety). She spent all Sunday with her church. If someone invited her to do something odds were she wouldn’t be able to because of some church function. I thought that was so intense and kinda weird. Now…..that is me and I totally get it. There is such tremendous joy in believing, belonging, and participating. I am blessed.

Maybe I actually don’t want advice. I don’t want people telling me I need to put my needs first, that it is important to make myself happy. I’ve done – and continue to do – plenty of that. I’ll just do what my spiritual director always tells me when I feel conflicted or unsure – I’ll take it to prayer!

p.s. I love SMofA!!! teehee….